100 Days since you left...
I have been known to blog every now and then but ever in a million years did I imagine I would be
doing a blog about losing the love of my life to suicide and the journey we
took together before that fateful day... and the weeks/months following… but here we are.
My good friend, suggested I do this, to help me and to help
others. At first my reaction was that I haven’t got the energy, motivation or
creative flair to do this right now – I’m lucky if I make it out of bed at all
most days and even when I do, it's pretty much pointless as I can't bring
myself to do anything - never mind write a blog…. but over the last couple of
days, since Kev suggested it, I’ve noticed my thoughts wandering to what I
could write if I did. So, I thought I would give it a go….
One of the reasons I want to do this, is because Ben and I had an Instagram
page that we set up jointly about mental health and suicide
prevention, which was an honest account of what it was like to live with PTSD
and depression and what it was like to live with someone battling them. We both
wanted to make a difference to other people (just a shame we forgot the
password and couldn’t recover the account - doh) – and I know from some
feedback about our posts, that page did help others.
One of Ben’s final wishes was that there was more help for people
suffering with mental health illnesses and if me providing an honest account
helps fulfil his wishes and helps just one person, then I'll give it a go.
I hope that the parts I write about the grief (which will be a
significant amount as I am trapped in grief hell right now), will help people who feel like
ending their lives to re-think their actions.
Just today, as I was in tears on the phone to one of my amazing friends, she said something that struck a chord with me that I want to share…. I was
saying to her how I now know how Ben felt every single day, because I am
feeling it. I'll be brutally honest, I don’t want to live some days… something
I never thought I'd ever feel - and if it wasn’t for my kids, I’m not sure I
would still be here.
The pain I feel some days is a real physical pain – in my heart – like
it’s actually broken – a horrid pain deep in my chest where my heart is – which
seems ridiculous as I know hearts don’t actually break – but mine has – and its
real.
So what Jen said to me that made me stop for a minute was that the
person ending their life doesn’t end the suffering – they just pass it on to
someone else…. And never have I heard something so true as those words..
In these crazy, unprecedented times during Covid-19, when
mental health issues are going to be on the up – if you or anybody else feels
like they want to end it because they feel like a burden or people will be
better off without them – it isn’t true. It isn’t even nearly true.
This isn’t better for anyone. The world has lost someone truly amazing -
a soul mate, a father, a son, a brother, a nephew, a grandson, a friend - and
that in turn has broken people’s lives and hearts. How is that better?
I understand why Ben did what he did – I will never be angry at him. I
lived and breathed his pain for three years and I know that he did everything
he could to fight. I don’t blame him – I never will. I just wish with all my
heart that things could have been different and that our love was strong enough
to have saved him. It wasn't - in fact, the fact that our love still couldn't
silence the demons was one of the reasons he went in the end. BUT, I take
solace in the fact that our love gave him (and me) the most amazing few years
ever - despite the mental illness.
I've said it until I'm blue in the face; and everybody who knows me has
heard this and could see it - but Ben's illness made up 10%, if that, of our
relationship. The other 90% was made up with loving harder than we had ever
loved, living like we've never lived and making the most amazing memories! So, cliché
but we lived, we loved, we laughed (he even got me a charm saying those words).
I wouldn't change that time and I have no regrets! I just wish it was for
longer!
This blog is for you Ben - I will love you forever... You were my number
1 fan (well, apart from big Jeff) and I will continue to make you proud and you
will be present in everything I do, forever - and for everybody out there
that feels like there is no hope. There is - there always is! Suicide is not
the answer....
So well said as always. You're so good with words and the fact that you can express how you feel will help you in the long run. I can't even begin to know how you feel, but please just remember that you have so many people that love you and will always be here for you xxxx
ReplyDeleteWell said beautiful girl xx
ReplyDeleteBeautiful. Good job Kirsty, you've expressed yourself incredibly well. As you know, society owes you a debt of gratitude. You are being a positive difference, thank you. Love and Light, Elvin & Jude xx
ReplyDeleteWell done for getting the words out, Kirstie. Amazingly honest - and so difficult to actually put down in writing. You are doing so well to have shared this. Every single person who speaks up helps to break down stigma and increase understanding. We all need that for a kinder world. x
ReplyDeleteSo wonderfully put. Your positivity is inspirational!
ReplyDelete969 days since you left.... Never forgotten.
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing. although I am not ready to share my pain with the world just yet I have been battling with it most my life on my own. No one knows about it, some people think I am shy, sad or just plain ungrateful. I have an amazing life!! If only they knew the pain I walk with every single day.. I have physical pain, my chest is mostly heavy and hurts and at times I find it really hard to breath. I am tearing as I type this and I cant really control it. A friend of mine noticed something and been suggesting me to see someone and I might next weekend. Although I have had thoughts of ending my life , running my car off the highway I know I wont. I have been meditating and journaling which has helped me immensely. I know when I am ready I would like to release all the journal and recordings so people know what it is like and majority of the time it is out of my control. I want to be happy but I cant . I am single because I cant put someone through my emotional roller coaster. I am doing much better but I want to be able to talk about it and share my story with the world so anyone out there going through the same situation would read and find some hope. But for me to get to that point I have to be able to speak and type without tearing. I am getting help.
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing your story. I am sure your husband was a strong and loving human being.
I am so incredibly in awe of your bravery and commitment to raising awareness. You have a wonderful way with words, looking forward to chatting to you more. Jess (Run Talk Run/The Working Mind).
ReplyDelete