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849 days since you left...

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One of my friends, (Kev, who actually told me to start this blog), said to me when he read the last post, that he felt that was the final one... And I agreed. It felt like it had a natural ending... That was until last week.... As I was training for the Manchester 10k…running, grumpily, (because we all know how much I dislike running) I thought about Ben – for many reasons, but mainly reminiscing about the support he gave me when I was training for the half marathon in 2018 and how proud he was of me when I completed that – but also because I was running in a charity place for Mind – and that always spurred me on, because I knew Ben, and many others with mental health issues, have to fight and get through things on a daily basis, and so I knew I had to get through the runs, because it was nothing compared to what those people suffering, go through on a daily basis. Which then led me on to thinking about what Ben is thinking when he is watching over me.  In one of the notes that Ben
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Nearly one year since you left....

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  The last picture we had together - which I now look at and see the pain in his eyes... For those who had read my other posts - it's often easier for me to get things down on paper to say how I’m feeling – right now, I am the most numb I have ever been about the losing Ben and I feel like I don’t care about anything – the house sale I am currently going through, that is due to complete on 1 st Feb, could honestly drop out today and I think I would just say 'okay'.  I feel like I have gone into full protection mode and I don’t feel anything, about anything - nothing. My body is also reacting in the same way – I am having physical symptoms of grief which I try and ignore but I know it’s happening for a reason, because the numbness isn’t good for me and I have to feel. I just can’t – there is no magic switch - and actually - if there was, I don't think I'd press it because stopping the numbness, means I then have to feel - and from what I've felt so far, that wou
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Eight Months since you left

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  In this post I want to talk about love and the mental health stigma…. Two things that probably don’t naturally go together, but bear with me.    I’ve wanted to write this post for a while, but as I’ve found with all my posts so far, I don’t really have a choice about when I can write them. They come from nowhere, mainly when I’m unable to sleep, like now. It’s 525am and I’ve been lay here for an hour wide awake, but totally shattered, because yesterday evening the grief monster tackled me to the floor, once again and we had a little scrap. He won, again.    A few weeks, or months, I don’t know any more as time is going so fast, yet so slow at the same time….  I shared on my social media a video that Ben had sent me a couple of years ago.  In this video he was the most romantic, loving, thoughtful, amazing man that he was. It was a video he sent my friends and I when I was away, and it was him literally showing how much he loved me with his amazing humour and ridiculously romant
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Five months since you left...

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I’ve just hit the fifth month without Ben, and I’ll be honest, I thought by now I’d be a bit further on with my 'grief journey'…. When I’m fact, I’m probably right at the beginning. I’m writing this after two days of continuous crying, and when I say continuous, I mean probably three hours of one day when I wasn’t crying and an hour of the other day. I don’t think I’ve cried like that once in the whole five months since Ben has been gone. Grieving during lock down has been anything but normal. I’ve been distracted by this absolute craziness we’ve all been living for the past few months. I’ve been distracted by being a mum, teacher, caretaker, dinner lady.. And that’s just the kids.. I’m carer for my dad, who at times has found this extremely difficult. On days I can get up to 11 phone calls a day from him.. I’ve exercised every single weekday with my friend via FaceTime. I’ve not stopped…and I've also not worked, until last week when I made that step forward by
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Four months since you left...

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I wanted to start by thanking everybody who read the first post and for the wonderful response and outpouring of love and support which means so much to me. I never expected such a response and although this is cathartic for me, I also hope that it can help people both feeling like they want to end their life; and those people who have been affected by suicide. I have so many thoughts running around my head about what I want to share with you – I want my posts to be real, to make a difference and honour Ben’s wishes (above), which brings a real pressure with it. I also worry that it could have the opposite effect because this isn’t a good story – obviously because of the outcome; but more so because Ben did everything, and I mean everything in his power to fight; which is why I understand why he felt there was no other way. This doesn’t mean that it’s right – I can’t stress that enough. Every person’s story is different.   People have things that have happened in th
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